


No Choice

by Post_U_Later



Category: Psych
Genre: Emotional Shawn, Emotional/Confused Henry, Emotional/Depressed Shawn, Episode: s04e09 Shawn Takes a Shot In the Dark, Happy Ending, Henry Starts To Understand, Injured Shawn, Kinda OOC Henry, Kinda OOC Shawn, Shawn Explains
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-13 01:02:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9099097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Post_U_Later/pseuds/Post_U_Later
Summary: Sometimes, it's not about what you want, not what your family wants, not what makes you happy & your opinion doesn't matter. Because sometimes, the options aren't there & there's no choices to choose from. 
Darkish themes really more like dim lighting rather than dark .





	

**Author's Note:**

> I Was Reading Collegekid2006's 'Carry On' On FanFiction.Net, While Listening To Welcome to the Black Parade By My Chemical Romance & I Thought Of This. It Takes Place After Shawn Take's A Shot In The Dark, It's A Hospital Scene.
> 
> Disclaimer~ Sorry, Not Mine. No Matter How Much I Wish It Was. It's Sadly Not.

 

**No Choice**

**Word Count~ 2,884**

 

The first thing he noticed when he woke up was the beeping. Steady, rhythmic, _annoying_ beeping. The second thing he noticed was the smell. If nothing could have a smell, it would be what he smelt. Something so clean, so _sterile_ it felt like it could wipe anything from existence, including himself. He instantly knew where he was. 

 

_Ugh_! Shawn thought, he hates hospitals. 

 

He squinted his eyes open, already groaning at the sharp light that pierced his vision, even though it wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been in previous visits to hospitals, it still hurt though. He glanced around the room, taking in every detail without fail. The walls are a pale white, probably to give comfort or something, it only made the room feel stuffy to him. There’s a door straight across from his bed and another off to the side. The one straight across from him had a small window with the curtains pulled closed, meaning it was the entrance to the room, which also meant the other door was most likely the bathroom. 

 

Looking to the other side of the room he stopped short of most details as he saw his father. He was passed out in one of those uncomfortable plastic chairs every hospital seemed to have. He winced in sympathy at the angle his head was leaning, knowing his father would be in pain the instant he moved. 

 

As if too prove him correct, right then Henry shifted in his sleep, giving out a soft moan of pain, waking himself up in the process. He shifted again and his eyes fluttered open, giving a quick glance around the room before landing on Shawn, their eyes meeting. 

 

“Uh...” Shawn started, but had to stop to cough to clear his throat, as it felt raw and scratchy. “Hey dad.” 

 

Henry nodded before he stood up, heading over to the sink behind where he sat. Shawn could hear a faucet turn and water run for only a moment before his father brought over a small cup of water, handing it to him. 

 

Shawn gave a nod as he emptied the cup and handed it back to his father. “Thanks.” 

 

_Throbbing shoulder and head, not too much pain though. The Docs must have me on some strong pain killers._ Shawn thought as took stock in himself and Henry took the cup back to the sink. 

 

“How long?” Shawn asked, closing his eyes as he leaned back in his hospital bed.

 

“Not long.” Henry replied as he retook his seat next to Shawn. “On the way to the hospital, you passed out in the ambulance. That was yesterday.” 

 

“How bad?” Shawn asked, cracking open one eye to look at his father. 

 

“Not too bad. The bullet was a through and through. You’ll be in a sling for a month or so. You’ve got a concussion and there’s a small infection, but that’s being taken care of by antibiotics.” Henry said with a sigh, running his hand over his balding head. “All in all, you were pretty damn lucky, especially with how much blood you’d lost.” 

 

Shawn looked up at the ceiling with a small frown, he felt anything but lucky. Though, with his father in the room, he couldn’t very well say that. 

 

“Yeah well, you know me. Lady Lucky’s got a thing for me.” Shawn said with a smirk that didn’t reach his eyes. 

 

Shawn’s jibe at his situation was probably not the best thing to say, especially with his father in the room. Henry shot out of his seat like a bullet, causing it to fly backwards, his face full of rage. It was now pretty obvious to Shawn that Henry had been holding in his anger. 

 

“SERIOUSLY SHAWN!” She yelled, clenching his fists at his side. “You nearly DIED! And you’re joking about it? What the Hell is wrong with you?” 

 

“I’m fine Dad.” Shawn said, trying to placate his furious father, but with no success. 

 

“You are NOT fine! You were SHOT! You were KIDNAPPED! YOU WERE FORCED TO JUMP FROM A SPEEDING TRUCK ON THE HOOD OF ANOTHER SPEEDING CAR!” Henry shouted, his entire body shaking with anger. “Are you just ASKING for trouble? Because it sure seems to follow around like a puppy where ever you go!” 

 

“No Dad! I don’t ask for trouble!” Shawn replied, gesturing angrily, the pain meds working strongly, he didn’t even notice the sting in his arm as he pulled at his wound. “It’s not like I WANTED to be kidnapped and Shot! I’m not TRYING To do that!” 

 

“Well, it sure seems like you are!” Henry said and turned away from his son. “This would never have happened if you were a Cop.” 

 

There was a moment of silence, the only sound was Henry’s heavy breathing from yelling. 

 

“So that’s what this is all about.” Shawn whispered darkly, though there was a hint of resignedness in his tone. “Figures.” 

 

“Yes, yes Shawn, yes it is!” Henry said, throwing his hands in the air, his back still turned on his son. "If you were on the force you wouldn't be in this situation. You wouldn’t have been in the situation to be kidnapped in the first place! And don't say it would have been the same!" Henry said, knowing Shawn was about to speak. “You would have had back up at the car yard, and you would have had a gun to defend yourself!” 

 

"I wasn't going to say that." Shawn said quietly.

 

"Then what were you going to say?" Henry sneered, not that Shawn could see it as Henry refused to turn towards his son, but it could be heard in his tone. "That it wouldn't have mattered, you still would have been shot at?"

 

"No..."

 

"Then what Shawn?"

 

"I was going to say that it doesn't matter." Shawn said emotionally, sounding on the verge of tears.

 

"Doesn't matter?" Henry said in a confused shock that quickly turned to anger once again. "Doesn't Matter! How could it not matter! If you were a cop you-"

 

"I SAID IT DOESN'T MATTER!" Shawn yelled. "Just shut up!"

 

Henry quickly turned to stare at his son in shock. Never in all their years had Shawn ever told him to shut up. That was just blatant disrespect, and Shawn was anything but disrespectful to him. 

 

 

"What the Hell is the matter with you?" Shawn said after a few seconds of silence.

 

"Me?" Henry asked in irritation. 

 

"Do you really hate me that much?" Shawn asked with a seriousness Henry didn't know he possessed.

 

"What? Shawn-"

 

"As you just said, I was shot, I was kidnapped, and I had to jump from a speeding vehicle." Shawn said in a deadly tone. "And you're chastising me for not being a cop. Something I never wanted to be, something I've tried my entire life to deny with my entire being!"

 

Shawn paused to take a breath, giving his father a chance to speak.

 

"Shawn it still matters!" He said. "If you were a cop-"

 

"Are you even listening to me!? I'm not a cop! Hypotheticals are useless here!" Shawn yelled. "I can't be a cop, no matter how much my genetics say I'm meant to be one! No matter how much my heart wants me to go out there and fight the good fight, I can't! I don't have a badge dad! Me being a psychic detective is the closest I will EVER get to being a cop! So get over it!" 

 

Henry stood there, staring at his son in astonishment. Had he heard Shawn right? Had Shawn just told him that his heart wanted him to be a cop? Henry was stunned into silence as he watched his son take ragged breaths, trying to calm himself down.

 

"Shawn..." Henry started, but paused not knowing what to say to that so he turned away. "I-you? I don't understand."

 

Shawn gripped the thin sheet that covered his lower half with trembling hands and looked away. _Damn pain meds, fucking with me and that damn filter between my mouth and head. Why can’t they just get rid of the pain and leave my mental state alone!_ Shawn mentally cursed, looking for some type of excuse to blame his abrupt confession on.

 

"You don't have to understand." Shawn spoke up after a minute of thick silence, his tone not asking but stating. "All you need to do is forget about it. Forget what I just said, and forget about me ever being or becoming a cop. It's never going to happen."

 

"But you just said it's what your heart wants." Henry disputed. "Why fight something you want?"

 

If Henry was baffled and shocked by Shawn's earlier words and reactions, then he was entirely concerned and dumbfounded by Shawn's reaction this time.As soon as he turned back to Shawn, he saw tears had popped into his sons’ eyes and quickly ran down his face. He looked like someone who had just found his meaning in life, then had that meaning promptly ripped from his fingers.

 

Wide-eyed, Henry quickly, but cautiously, went to Shawn side, keeping eye contact.

 

"Shawn? Wh-what's wrong?" Henry stuttered as Shawn cried. 

 

Henry was worried, because even as a kid Shawn wasn't big on showing a lot of emotion; he rarely cried. Especially as an adult, even if it seemed like he showed a lot, it was mostly pretend. However, the tears right now? The emotions in his eyes as he looked at his father? Henry could tell they were real. "I-I don't understand. Shawn what's wrong?"

 

Shawn broke eye contact and looked down at his clenched and shaking hands.

 

"Dad... You'll never understand." Shawn whispered. "Never."

 

The sound of Shawn's voice, broken and in pain, made Henry want to rip the head off of anyone who had ever hurt Shawn and shoot their eyes out. But Shawn was in emotional pain at the moment, so hurting someone else wouldn't help. Henry felt powerless, worthless. He'd never felt like this before, even during his divorce; he'd had some small amount of control and power, but now? Now he could do nothing. Shawn was hurting and he couldn't do a damned thing to help. 

 

"Leave."

 

"What?" Henry said, confused.

 

"I said, leave." Shawn repeated, his voice still shaking. "I want you to leave."

 

"No way in Hell am I leaving when you're in this shape." Henry argued.

 

"Dad, listen to me." Shawn pleaded. "Just this once, listen to me. Please leave."

 

"I can't do that." Henry answered in a soft voice. "You're my son, and I can't leave you here in so much pain."

 

"Please." Shawn begged. "You'll never understand, so please leave."

 

"Shawn, I am NOT leaving." Henry stated. "So you can either shut up and cry your eyes out with me here, or you can try to help me understand."

 

Shawn looked around the room, hoping for something to miraculously save him, but only noticing how quiet it actually was, how dim the lights actually were, and that the curtains on the door were closed were closed. It was then he wondered why Gus, Jules, or even Lassie hadn't come in with all the yelling. He turned to his father, tears still flowing down his face.

 

"What time is it?" Shawn asked abruptly. 

 

"7:30am." Henry said with a glance at his watch, then answering the next unasked question as he backed away a bit, trying to calm down. "Visiting hours start at 9am. I got special permission to stay overnight."

 

Shawn turned look straight ahead of him at the door. He could just see the the nurses and doctors pass by in the small opening the curtains provided, and he watched them for a few minutes before sighing in resignation.

 

"Sit." Shawn started. Henry sat obediently and Shawn took a deep breath before letting out in a long sigh. "I know you'll never completely understand. Being a cop is everything to you. It's your life, your passion. When I was a kid you wanted it to be my life, my passion. But I never got a chance to choose. It was forced upon me." 

 

Shawn paused to take another deep breath. "All though out my life, from the time I was a child, you drilled being a cop into me, giving me those memory tests, reading me police codes and rules before bed. You never gave me a chance to find out what I wanted to be, or even allowed me look at my options and choose for myself."

 

Shawn raked a hand through his messy hair, the other coming up to wipe away at the tears, too emotional and too full of pain medication to be cautious of his wound, he just didn’t care. 

 

"I never had a chance to become _me_. I was forced to become _you_. Wanting to be a cop was forced into me by you, until I couldn't be anything else. I've had over 60 jobs before Psych, the longest lasting a little over 3 months. You know why? Because I can't be anything else but a cop. I can't do anything but help people. Sure that's a good thing, but that's not all I want to do!" The tears had stopped now, but Shawn's voice was still trembling with emotion as he leaned back in the bed to stare at the ceiling. 

 

"I wasn't able to keep a single one of those jobs because It didn't satisfy this unyielding hunger to serve and protect that you created. You turned me into a freak who can only do one thing. But I don't want a badge, I don't want a gun and to be shot at every other day. I don't want to be the one handcuffing the bad guys and filling out the reports and going on patrol."

 

"All I wanted was to be able to choose my own life, but you even took that away. I can't carry on the Spencer-cop legacy you and grandpa had. I can't help people the way you and he did. Mom said I could choose, but I can't. I'm in a paradox here. My heart and even my mind want me to be a cop, but my free will wants a choice. If I was allowed a choice, I would most probably follow my heart and become a cop, or a real private detective or something like that. Something that would make me happy and make you proud, but I don't have a choice. So I can't choose, I can't be happy. I can't make you proud. All because of _you_."

 

Shawn finished in a whisper, his eyes having closed while talking. He was exhausted, and he had just emptied his soul to a person whom he couldn't even hug without flinching. He felt the pain medication kicking into overdrive. He felt himself start to float off, so he had to jerk himself back awake. He didn’t want to sleep just yet. 

 

He was waiting for the scoff, the laugh, or the sigh to break the silence, which would most likely be followed by some harsh comment and a grand exit by his father. So he was surprised when he felt a hand card through his hair. It was quite relaxing and it became harder to stay awake. He sluggishly opened his eyes to see his father standing over him, looking down at him with a sad smile on his face.

 

"Shawn, I may not understand everything you just said, but I wan't you to know that I am proud of you. So, so proud. And I'm sorry I made you feel so trapped." Henry said, noticing Shawn's battle for consciousness. "For what it's worth, you can choose to be whatever you want and I'd still be proud of you."

 

Shawn stared up at his father in wonder. He felt a weight lift off him, wondering if it was the metaphorical weight of his forced life path lifting off him. Then he noticed his father putting the bed down and realized the weight had probably just been his father removing his hand from his head. In a way, it was a physical representation of that metaphorical weight, if that made any sense.

 

Shawn came back to reality as the lights shut off with a snap. Henry walked back to the bed and sat down in the chair.

 

"Rest. You look like you're about to pass out." Henry said as he leaned over and flipped on the small lamp beside him, and grabbing a fishing magazine off the ground.

Shawn watched his father flip though the worn magazine, knowing it wasn't the first time he’d read it.

 

"Dad, I'm sorry." Shawn said as he looked to the ceiling.

 

"There's nothing to be sorry for Shawn." Henry answered softly.

 

As Shawn was about to fall asleep he remembered one last thing he should probably tell his dad.

 

"Dad?"

 

"Yeah Shawn?"

 

"I love you."

 

Henry paused in his reading and looked up at Shawn, gaining eye contact in the dull light. He smiled at the way his sons eye lids drooped as he fought to stay awake to hear his response.

 

"I love you too Shawn."

 

And a smile graced Shawn's lips, a real smile, just as he fell asleep. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So What'd You Think? I Always Got The Feeling That Shawn Didn't Get A Choice In Whether Or Not He Could Be A Cop, Then When He Got Arrested It Was Like He Couldn't Be Anything. So, That's Kinda Where I Was Coming From When I Wrote This. Hoped You Liked! Please Review & Tell Me What You Think! X3


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